When Joy Turns to Sorrow
This information
has been put together for parents whose babies have died.
Nothing in this packet will take away the pain
and hurt you are now feeling, but it can provide information on
what feelings you can expect to have, how your family and friends
may react, and where you can find help.
As you begin to see
and talk with your friends and family, you will find that their responses
aren’t always in tune with your feelings. In their efforts to be helpful, some
will say things that seem inappropriate or even cruel.
Others may avoid you for fear of saying something that will
upset you. Often bereaved parents will be told
to forget their dead infant and to continue with their lives.
Certainly, it is good to get on with your life as best as you
can, but we know that it will be impossible to forget your baby.
We encourage you to talk about your baby and your feelings
about your loss. You will probably find you have a lot
to say to your partner and any other good listener available to you.
Do
not be surprised that you and the baby’s father do not grieve
and react in the same manner. Remember that in even the closest of
relationships, the two people are not the same and can’t always
react in the same way. Strive to be patient and gentle with each other.
Sometimes it will be hard to be sensitive to each other’s
feelings because you are hurting so badly.
Try to remember how very precious your closeness is and shelter
it. Help each other to
express feelings by talking, crying or in any other way you can.
Friends,
relatives and other acquaintances often try to protect the mother
by not talking about the loss of her baby.
Both parents have a real need to talk and work out their feelings. Society tends to ignore the father’s
loss, but he also needs support from people.
Be
gentle with yourself. Do not deny yourself whatever pleasures
or happiness you can find. To
laugh and be happy does not mean you have forgotten about your baby,
but that you are coping with and trying to adjust to the loss.
You may
have feelings of anger, envy and self-pity that may seem ugly and
shocking to you. Remember
that feelings cannot be judged because they are on a level by themselves.
Do not feel guilty about
your feelings. These feelings are real and need
to be recognized. Having
them does not mean you are socially or mentally unstable.
You are reacting in a normal way to a very tragic and upsetting
time in your life.
Allow
yourself time to grieve. Periods of sadness will occur further
and further apart, but do not be surprised that they continue for
months, even years. Holidays and birthdays are occasions
which can be most difficult. This is very normal. A grieving period can take up to three
years.
You need not fear
that this grief will always be as intense as it is now.
You will survive and you will have other good things in your
life. The memory of this
time will become part of your life with which you can live and cope.
FEELINGS
At this
time of loss, you will find yourself experiencing a number of confusing,
bewildering feelings. These
feelings are the basis of grief, a normal process you must go through
in order to come to terms with the loss of your baby.
Though these symptoms will be distressing
and painful, they do not indicate that you are “going
out of your mind.” But at times you may feel as though you are crossing some very
stormy waters all alone.
Always remember
that there is a purpose behind the process—to allow you formally
and appropriately to detach yourself from the relationship you have
formed with your baby over the last few months.
This is not to say that the process will encourage you to “forget
the past.” Rather it will help you to reach the
stage where you can remember this experience, understand it, accept
it, and then look forward to the future.
There is
no standard response, no acceptable or unacceptable form of behavior
that you will be expected to follow. Nor is there a particular time frame in which you will be encouraged
to have accomplished the task of “letting go.”
Everyone
must do the grief work in his/her own time.
But for most people, the process will take longer that
they ever would have expected. We just don’t get over something
as important as a person’s life that easily or quickly.
Do not feel
that you have all the sensations and experiences that are described
in this booklet. Do not
worry that something is wrong with you just because you don’t
behave in a certain way or experience a particular emotion. Though your emotions at this time may be more intense that
any you have ever experienced before, don’t be afraid of them.
Though no one can
ever measure one person’s pain against that of another, most
people assume that the loss of a child is the deepest loss that any
person can experience. There
are good reasons for this assumption. You expect to lose your parents, but you do
not expect to lose your children.
Your child is an extension of yourself.
Your future plans have included the child.
Your role as a parent—to provide for, to protect, and
to nurture---has been left unfulfilled.
One problem
you will face in connection with the loss of your child is your loneliness
in grief. No one else
knew this person but you, the parents.
To other people it may seem like you are grieving over the
loss of a non-person. They will soon forget, while you will
continue to remember your child’s impact on your life.
PHYSICAL
SYMPTOMS
What are
some of the physical symptoms that are a part of the grief process?
There may be a feeling of severe physical exhaustion, perhaps
further aggravated by a difficult delivery. You may feel a heaviness in your chest,
a need to take deep sighing breathes, palpitations, “butterflies
in the stomach,” and aching arms.
You may lose your appetite and you may have difficulty getting
to sleep, or you may be disturbed by bad dreams and nightmares. Most, if not all of these symptoms are a part of the initial
grief process and they will disappear with time.
In the past,
medication has been used much too freely in times of initial grief.
Running away from the pain you are feeling, being tranquilized
so that you don’t hurt too much only postpones and prolongs your
real pain. It is better to face what must be faced now while your family
and friends are close
by. However, it is important
that you get a good night’s sleep and you may want to ask your
physician for some medication that will provide a light night sedation.
GRIEF
The grief
you feel for the loss of your baby is painful, but the pain can be
lessened by understanding what is happening and realizing how other
parents have coped. Grief
seems to follow a pattern of stage or phases.
These different stages may overlap, and you may find yourself
to be at different phases at different times. Each parent will be unique in going
through the four stages of grief.
Remember that the grieving process is normal and necessary.
The first
stage is shock and numbness.
This happens initially and may last for 48 hours to two weeks. Its is a healthy and normal defense. Emotions may be uncontrollable. Often, you will have a hard time taking
in any information. A
hug or a touching hand are good ways to get in touch with the real,
loving world. Your appetite
may disappear. You might
feel completely exhausted yet unable to sleep at night.
The reverse may occur where you wish to sleep all the time. Your feelings may range from fear and anxiety to guilt and
depression. These are
times that many have felt that they are losing their minds.
During this time, expressing your true feelings is healthy.
Friends and relatives are usually true feelings is healthy. Friends and relatives are usually understanding
and accepting of grieving behavior for a short time.
They often feel that after a month or so you should “pull
yourself together”. They do not mean to be unkind.
They simply do not understand that it takes some time to heal
the hurt of your loss.
Guilt can
sometimes be a problem for parents of a stillborn child. Even with as much assurance as we can
reasonably give that there was nothing that you could have done to
prevent what happened, you may still find yourself wondering, “Could
it have been that I didn’t eat properly?”
or “What if I hadn’t tried to work so hard in the
last weeks of my pregnancy?” or “Was this caused when we made
love and I started to bleed?”, etc.
You may
also feel guilty for grieving over the loss of you newborn. After all, “Just look at the lady
down the street. Her
three young children died in a fire.”
Or, “How can you grieve for someone you didn’t know?”
Or, “You’re young.
You can always have another baby.”
The fact
is, you can’t measure your grief against someone else’s.
What you feel is your own. Your grief won’t lessen just because
others think theirs is worse.
The searching
and yearning stage may last for months. During this time, one looks for what
is lost. Often parents find that seeing, holding,
and touching the baby has helped at the time of their loss.
Parents find having a picture of their baby to be comforting. You may request this from your hospital
even after you’ve gone home. You may feel anger against the doctor, the nurse, and the hospital
about the loss of your baby. You may also be angry at God. Do
not be ashamed of your feelings.
Sometimes that anger is turned inward toward yourself and depression
may result.
The third
stage is disorientation
and disorganization. This becomes most severe in the fourth
(4th) and sixth (6th) months.
Depression is the strongest emotion.
There may be a lack of motivation.
Others signs are overeating or inability to eat, difficulties
in making judgments, a loss of interest in your appearance. You may find that you do not wish to go to outside functions
or even family gatherings.
The fourth
stage is reorganization. This stage does not occur quickly. It begins in the eighteenth (18th)
to twenty-fourth (24th) month.
Be patient with yourself and the baby’s
father. In this phase, you will find your actions
are no longer mechanical. You will have a sense of release and renewed energy.
Your judgment may be markedly improved.
You will be able to enjoy yourself and have a good time without
feeling guilty.
You and
the baby’s father may find that you each are going through the
phases at different times and at different intensities. Do
communicate your feelings to each other.
THERE
IS NOTHING WRONG WITH
CRYING
Actually,
crying is an excellent way to release built-up tension, and you will
no doubt experience plenty of this.
A problem for you may be that your friends will not know what
to do when you cry. They may feel self-conscious about being
with you while you are crying, and may even avoid mentioning the baby
for fear this may cause you to cry.
You may feel self-conscious too, especially when the tears
come suddenly and without warning.
But crying
is okay. You can help your friends understand
your need to cry and thank them for allowing you the opportunity.
They will be relieved to know that you are glad they are with
you even if you do cry a lot.
As time
goes by, you will find that you cry less and less when you talk to
people, or when you think about your baby.
Don’t worry about whether you are crying too much or too
little. Crying is not
a measure of how much you loved your baby; but rather an indication
of how completely you allow yourself to openly express yourself.
A NOTE TO FATHERS
Most
fathers are accustomed to the idea that they can offer whatever help
is needed in almost any situation.
But, in the death of your baby, you as a father are likely
to experience the same feelings of helplessness, guilt, anger, and
lack of motivation as the baby’s mother.
For too
long the father has been left out of the picture in the birth or death
of the baby. Only in
very recent times has it been recognized that you too, have been forming
an attachment to your baby. You will also need to grieve so that
you can loosen the attachment in time.
One of the
sad things for you will be when people ask how the baby’s mother
is doing because they realize how great a loss it is for her, but
they forget that you’re hurting too.
They forget that the baby is as much yours as hers, that even
though it is in her body that the grows, it took both of you to start
this new life on its way. Your emotions, and indeed your very
life, were also changing as you made room in your life for the expected
new person.
One of the
strange things about grief is that it is too intensely personal to
be completely shared. You
are in it together…but alone.
Though you support and comfort each other, you cannot lessen
the intensity of each other’s pain. This can be worrying and frustrating,
and sometimes introduce surprising strains and stresses into your
relationship.
YOUR BODY DOES NOT KNOW YOUR BABY DIES
It
seems very cruel that nature will take you through the same physical
discomforts common to all women who have just given birth.
You will
have a discharge called “lochia” for approximately two weeks.
At first it will require a pad change every few hours.
Each day
the discharge should lessen and begin to appear brownish. If you attempt too much activity before
your body has been given adequate time to heal, you will notice that
your flow will become heavier. Slow down.
Put your feet up. If
after a few hours, the flow hasn’t slowed down, call your doctor.
Your breasts
may fill with milk. Your body is preparing itself for nursing. The best way to stop the manufacture
of milk is to prevent stimulation of the nipples.
When you take a shower, don’t let the water strike the
nipples. Wear a tight
fitting bra. Limit fluid
intake. If you have nursed
a baby before, you may experience aching in your breasts, especially
when you are around other babies. If you are uncomfortable due to engorgement,
ice packs applied to your breasts and a mild medication will help.
If you had
an episiotomy, you may be uncomfortable for a few days while the stitches
heal. A warm bath will
be soothing.
Another
sensation common to most moms is feeling the baby kick long after
the baby has been born. Don’t
be afraid of these lingering sensations. Remember the “kicking times” with joy for the life
that was there.
HOW CAN THE HOSPITAL STAFF HELP?
As we have
already suggested, your current situation probably seems very unreal.
You are getting ready to welcome your new baby into the family
circle, but now the baby will not be going home with you. Now you have to make plans to say good-bye. You may feel rather remote from everything
that is going on around you.
The hospital is sometimes a difficult place in which to feel
at home. How can the
hospital staff help you?
Although
nurses and others will want to help, sometimes they are not quite
sure how to go about it. Ideally
just one or two persons should be responsible for caring for you while
you are in the hospital so that you can share your feelings with greater
intimacy and confidence.
Unfortunately, changes in personnel are inevitable and you
may meet a number of different faces. You cannot be expected to share your
feelings with all of these people.
But by all means do avail yourself of at lest one sympathetic
ear.
Sometimes,
because they don’t want to “put you through it again”,
the staff may tend to avoid bringing up the subject of your baby’s
death. This can be hurtful
to you if it suggests to you that the child’s death is consequence
to others. But this is rarely the case, and most
hospital staff members will be relieved to have you bring up the subject. Often all you have to do is give a little
signal that you want to talk and there will be somebody ready to listen.
SEEING AND HOLDING YOUR BABY
Often parents
are afraid of viewing their dead child because of what they imagine
he or she will look like. A
parent may say, “We would rather picture our baby in our minds
as if she were still alive”.
We have found, however, that when the parents only imagine
what the dead child looks like, they later develop distorted notions
which may cause feelings that crowd out the vision that they are trying
to maintain. The fact
is that parents are usually relieved and pleased when they do take
the opportunity to see their baby. They almost always find out that the
baby’s actual appearance---as if in sleep---is far more comforting
than any fantasy that they would have had to depend on their minds
to create.
If you are
not sure you want to see your baby, ask the nurse to describe the
baby to you. This may
help and you don’t have to decide right away.
Would you
like to hold your baby? Many parents have treasured the opportunity to take their child
in their arms while they said their good byes, and there is nothing
wrong with wanting to do this. Think it over.
You may later wish that you had asked for this opportunity
while it was still available.
The nurse
can wrap your baby in a blanket and bring him/her to your room if
you wish, and then you can decide if, and for how long, you will hold
the baby.
NAMING YOUR BABY
We encourage
you to give your baby a name, preferably the name you had been planning
for the child all along. Don’t “save” the name for your next child.
It rightly belongs to this child.
Names are
important. You will use
the name as you talk about this little person to others. You will use it as you tell your other
children about this special child in your life.
You will find it easier to connect your memories to this child
if you can refer to him/her by name.
REACTION OF RELATIVES AND FRIENDS TO YOUR
BABY’S DEATH
Your friends
and relatives will also feel the loss of your baby’s death.
They will want to extend their sympathy and try to baby’s
death. They will want
to extend their sympathy and try to comfort you.
Do not be surprised to find a wide variety of reactions from
friends and loved ones. Even
though they mean well, they may not know how to express their concern
and care. Some of your
best friends may avoid you; or if they do see you, they may never
mention the loss of your baby.
Other people may seem uncomfortable around you and make insensitive
remarks.
It will
be difficult at this time for you to try and understand your friends
and relatives’ reactions. Most people like to avoid the subject of death unless, of course,
it involves one of their immediate family.
Death also make people think of their own eventual death.
As people struggle with their own problems, they do have difficulties
relating to the individual who has suffered a loss.
Their own discomfort usually causes people to make insensitive
remarks. They are trying
to help, but may not know how to do it.
Parents,
understandingly, become upset when friends and relatives say things
such as, “It was a blessing the baby died”, or “You’re
young. You can always have another baby”. In responding to these remarks, try
not to make the situation more awkward.
Simply say, “It helps that you are thinking of us”,
or “We loved our baby, and we’re sorry that she’s gone”.
Often just a clasp of another hand or a hug expresses your
true feelings. Later, with your partner or another
friend, share your anger toward the remarks. Occasionally someone will say something that will particularly
anger you and make you want to respond directly. Try not to get involved in an argument. Instead make a clean and direct statement such as, “I
don’t agree with you”, or “It doesn’t help me
to think of my baby’s death in that way”.
You may
find yourself dreading having your best friend speak glowingly about
her pregnancy. On the
other hand, she may be reluctant to talk to you at all about her pregnancy
for fear of hurting you. You
will have to decide for yourself what is the best way for you to handle
this. Again there is
nothing wrong with simply telling your friend what you need.
After a
time you may find that your grief is forgotten by others. Weeks, or months may pass and no one
will reach out to you. This
is due to the fact that they become involved in their own lives, and
often do not realize your continued need for support.
The best way to handle this is to ask for it, and most people
will be glad to help. If
you can deal with the pain and
reality of your baby’s death, your friends and relatives
may begin to feel less frightened as well.
PUTTING AWAY THE CLOTHES
If you have
purchased maternity clothes or other articles, you should decide if
you want to put these away or have someone in the family do it for
you. Many parents have found it helpful to
do it themselves, while others prefer someone else to do it.
Give yourself time to make your decision.
HELPING YOUR OTHER CHILDREN WHEN YOUR
INFANT DIES
Although
you may initially want to “protect” or “shelter” your child or children from the sadness of life, most professionals
agree that we should be open and honest with children about death. Regardless of age, children should be
aware of this occurrence. Be
open in discussing death and grief with them.
Children sense when they are being left out.
Children are more frightened and confused when they are left
out. The truth is always better!
Tell the
children in simple terms about the baby’s death. Tears are a normal part of life. Allow your sadness to show, and share
your feelings with your children.
Demonstrate warmth and comfort as you relate to the children,
allowing them to express their grief. Realize that you all will miss the baby.
Sometimes
children will not know what “dead” is. If this is the case, reminding them
of a dying flower or a pet that dies will help them understand.
You can also remind them of what living means, such as breathing,
talking, working, etc. Tell them that “dead” means the absence of these
signs. Never refer to death as “sleeping”. This can frighten children, and they
might not want to go to sleep at night.
Linking death too strongly with illness may also frighten children,
and they assume they will also die when they become ill.
The reaction of your
child to the death will depend to some extent on his/her age.
Preschoolers will view death as “temporary” as they
do not understand the concept of “permanent”. Six to nine-year olds have developed a clearer understanding
of death and realize they can die, too.
They tend to be less willing to talk about death.
By age ten and up, most children are ready to face the notion
of death and can accept death as part of life’s process.
Funerals
should be openly discussed with the children. The choice to attend or not should be
left open to them. Never
force a child to go to a funeral.
If children
ask why the death occurred, answer with clear, simple statements.
Allow them to ask the same questions over and over again.
Giving children the opportunity to repeat questions enables
them to adjust better to the death. It is as if each time the child discusses
the death it becomes a little more bearable.
Be sure
to stress that no family member could have either prevented or caused
the death by their thoughts or actions.
THINKING ABOUT ANOTHER PREGNANCY
Sometime
after the death of a baby, you’ll think about becoming pregnant
again. You may receive
advice from friends, doctors, and relatives. Only you can make the decision.
Some general guidelines to follow will be helpful in your decision
making process.
There are
four main areas to consider.
First of all, take time physically to recover from the pregnancy. Ask your doctor what he considers ideal
spacing between pregnancies for you.
Each woman will be different.
In the meantime, staying fit and being in the best physical
condition possible will give you the feeling you are doing something
positive.
Secondly,
take time for emotional healing. Study the material on grieving in this
booklet. It will help you understand your emotions
over the next few months, and give you some ideas as to how long the
grieving process might take. It will also help you to understand
that being pregnant and grieving at the same time could be very stressful. In the book, Maternal Infant Bonding,
written by Doctors John Kennell and Marshall Klaus, it states:
“We
strongly encourage parents to refrain from having a replacement infant until they have completed their mourning reaction. We
explain that it is difficult to take on a new baby
at the same time one is grieving the baby who has died.
These two processes are moving in opposite directions and
are extremely difficult to accomplish simultaneously. Therefore, we
ask parents to wait another baby.
We encourage them to plan for a new baby in its own right,
not to replace the baby who
has just died.”
Thirdly,
take time to seek medical advice. Knowing why your baby died will help
you to know if the problem was unusual so you will not worry needlessly
in your next pregnancy. Make an appointment with your doctor
after your baby’s death to go over all the facts with him.
Do not be afraid to ask him questions.
Having all the facts and knowledge you need will help you decide
about another pregnancy.
Lastly,
put off making major decisions until the most disorienting stage of
grief is over. You will
be more satisfied with your decisions if you wait until you feel that
your thoughts and emotions have begun to stabilize.
THE
POST-PARTUM VISIT(S)
There are
four reasons for going back to the physician for a follow-up visit
after you have been discharged from the hospital.
The first
is to check that your physical progress has been normal, that the
uterus is returning to normal size, that the surgical incisions (episiotomy
or Cesarean) are healing, that your breasts are not engorged or infected,
and that your bodily functions have returned
to normal.
The second
reason is to review the pregnancy. You will want to go over the details
of your prenatal and hospital care to try and understand the reasons
why your baby died. The autopsy report will be available
for review and may give you more information.
The next
reason for coming is to help you with selecting the most suitable
method of contraception or birth control.
The last reason for a check-up is that your physician will
want to know that you have started the normal grief process.
If the process has been delayed or distorted, this is the time
to recognize it so that appropriate intervention can be recommended.
There is
therefore quite a lot to be accomplished in your follow-up visit.
Don’t be surprised if it isn’t all dealt with in
one visit; in particular, the details of planning for another pregnancy
may be better left until a time further removed from your baby’s
death. The time of your visits will be decided
by your physician according to your individual circumstances, but
you certainly should arrange to be seen within a month of leaving
the hospital. Often,
an earlier appointment is appropriate.
WHERE TO FIND HELP
Getting
your life back in order after your baby has died is no easy chore.
You may be overwhelmed with the physical and emotional reactions
your body will go through. You
lack the motivation it take to work through your grief. You might not know where to start, or
what to do to help yourself. You may not know anyone who has gone through a similar experience;
and if you do, you may be afraid to talk to that person for fear of
opening old wounds and causing more pain.
You needn’t
be alone through this difficult time in your life. There are professional people available
to help you sort out your feelings.
There are also excellent books on the subject of death.
And there are other people like you who are willing to listen
because they too have “been there”.
Below are
some ideas of professional people to whom you may look for help.
PROFESSIONALS WHO CAN HELP
Your OBSTETRICIAN
OR FAMILY DOCTOR WHO CARED FOR YOU when the baby was born may
be very helpful to you. You will most likely want to discuss
some questions you may have about what happened during your labor
and delivery. Don’t be reluctant because you
think he/she is too busy to talk with you.
The death of your baby was very hard on your doctor too; and
he/she probably needs the opportunity to talk further with you about
it.
A SOCIAL
WORKER, PSYCHOLOGIST, and/or FAMILY
COUNSELOR may be helpful to you feel the need for some additional
counseling. The hospital’s
Patient and Family Counselor
can refer you to one of these professionals in the community. He/she will also have information about
groups that can help you.
Don’t
forget CLERGY. Whether or not you have been affiliated
with an organized religious group in the past, you may find yourself
now searching for some answers to many of life’s puzzles.
Seek help through your own clergyman or ask the chaplain in
your hospital for the name of someone who can help you.
YOU MUST HELP TIME DO IT’S HEALING
Time alone
will not heal your broken heart. You, yourself, and only you are the
one to decide if you will allow time to heal your wounds. Some people never get over the death of their child, while
others are working at remembering yesterday and
creating tomorrow. Here are some suggestions to help you
through this time.
1. Take time to grieve. Don’t bury yourself with activity
just so you can avoid having to think about your baby.
Instead, set aside some time to be alone to deal with your
feelings, however painful they may be.
2. Put off major decisions for at least
a year. Delay changing jobs or moving to another
town until you feel certain that you have really come to terms with
your grief.
3. Talk to others. Let your friends know how you feel. Tell them what you need. Seek out others who have also had an
experience similar to your own.
4. Be patient with your partner. Remember, everyone experiences grief
in his/her own way. Your
partner may not be showing grief in the same way you do, but that
does not mean he/she is not also feeling the loss deeply.
5. DON’T PLAN TO GET PREGNANT RIGHT
AWAY. You can’t successfully say hello
to your next baby until you have said good-bye to this baby…and
saying good-bye takes time. You can’t “replace” one
baby with another. Even
though the desire to be a parent is very strong, give yourself time.
6. Allow your next child to be his own person. Choose a new name. Don’t imply that the new child
is a replacement for this dead child, by “saving” the old
name. Each child deserves to have a special
place in your heart.
7. Be patient with yourself. Don’t be disturbed if you aren’t
getting over “it” as quickly as you had hoped.
Assume that what you are experiencing is normal.
Bizarre delusions can be expected.
Let yourself be inconsistent.
Relapses are normal too.
8. Do
something with your feelings.
Write about how you are feeling.
Sew something you had planned to make for the baby.
Build or make a special box to place memories of your baby
in.
9. Design and send announcements of your
baby’s short life to your friends and family.
This might be a good way for you to let people know that you
recognize your baby’s life no matter how short.
